Letter: “Naviphobia” – a fear of (small) boats

The Ipswich Novotel, a town-centre hotel, has been commandeered by the government to house around 200 refugees. A “Stop the Boats” protest was planned for Saturday 18 March.

Dear Editor,

Some thoughts on the Tory-inspired “Stop The Boats” protest at Ipswich Novotel on 18th March.

OK, I may be missing the point but I honestly think it’s a bit weird protesting against “boats”. Look, I’m not judging, and it’s definitely not “wrong” to hate one particular mode of transport more than others. If somebody holds a personal opinion about boats they are totally within their rights; it’s a free country and you can dislike whichever type of vehicles you please, and anyway boats aren’t a race, so it can’t be racist. By way of comparison, I am comfortable saying, I dislike tricycles and I think space hoppers are unnatural. Doesn’t make me a bad person.

The fear of boats though is a real condition which deserves sympathy, not lefty ridicule. It’s called ‘naviphobia’ (Google it!). But don’t worry – the condition can be overcome by facing up to boats.

Nigel Farage famously conquered his naviphobia by forcing himself to scour the coastline daily using binoculars, which he pressed so hard into his face that his eyeballs became permanently protruded, an effect of the suction when removing the binoculars at the end of each day (‘Pop!’). On the days when he spotted a boat he’d sink to his knees and shout, ‘Why, God, Why?’ to the cold unforgiving sky, comforted by fellow sufferers while his green wax jacket was soaked in tears, his tweed trousers ruined on the sewage-stained pebbles (later requiring corduroy knee pads to be sewn by his German ex-wife).

Other political figures have dealt with their naviphobia in more extreme ways, like purchasing luxury yachts, living upon them and sailing long distances. (This method also avoids punishment for misbehaviours which enabled the purchasing of said yacht). Meanwhile the high profile naviphobes have dealt with it by simply ignoring the fact their parents and/or grandparents used boats.

If you are the type of person who has intense negative feelings about boats then perhaps you can work through your issues in those kinds of ways. It would likely be more effective than waving a piece of crayon-decorated cardboard at the brick walls of the Ipswich Novotel.

So far as I know, boats don’t tend to arrive at Ipswich Novotel unless they’re towed on a trailer that comes loose at the roundabout somehow. Perhaps its ropes pecked by angry seagulls before departure, and then it crashes into the road and blocks two lanes of traffic outside the Novotel reception which then causes yet more delays for an already congested traffic zone. That junction’s lane system is known to be confusing at best, often with sharp braking and wild overtaking that could potentially lead to a boat-loosening incident…. So, actually now I think of it, a naviphobe might indeed get lucky and spot a boat in that part of town. So yeah, go for it.

I just didn’t know that fear of boats was such a ‘thing’ now. Unless, of course, it’s the human passengers that people hate, and the word ‘boat’ has been mistakenly used instead.

Owen Southwood,
Ipswich