Celebrating St Valentine’s Day is a very old tradition which may have its origins in the Roman festival of Lupercalia, a festival that marked the start of springtime. One, perhaps apocryphal, ritual was that during the celebrations, boys drew the names of girls from a box. They would be boyfriend and girlfriend for the duration of the festival. Sometimes they’d marry.
There are many other strategies for finding your soul mate: the 3-3-3 rule, where you review yourself at three different points – after three dates, after three weeks, and after three months; the 6-6-6 rule, which is probably best when seeking a male partner, as it refers to choosing someone who is six feet tall, has a six-pack abs, and earns over six figures; and the 37% rule, where one dates and rejects the first 37% of potential partners.
I’ve never been much persuaded by dating formulas. What follows is simply my own way of thinking about relationships, shaped by years of experience rather than theory. It’s not for everyone, but as it works for me, I thought I’d share it.
My advice is different
Romance and dating don’t have to be conventional, but require vulnerability and commitment. The caveat is, when seeking a romantic partner, one does need to use some common sense to avoid headache and heartache.
Over the years, friends have marveled at how successfully I have navigated the adventures of dating. My approach is simple: is the person of good character and does he or she meet my “rules of engagement”?
We all have different ideas about what we want in a relationship. So, before I explain further, I ask that you seek pen and paper, and write out what you are looking for in a relationship. That is, what are the first 12 attributes that come to mind and the 12 things that you will bring to a relationship?
Having made your lists, set the paper aside. Now read my rules of engagement. Remember, this exercise is about clarity, not a critique.
My rules of engagement
1. Mutual attraction
Without this, you are wasting your time. Pining away for unrequited romance is a counterproductive state of mind and, I think, a very unattractive trait.
2. A single person
The individual must be available. Simple as this may read, I cannot count just how many friends I have known over the years that had romances with someone who is committed to someone else. Exhibit self-worth – if they are genuinely attracted to you, let them first take the steps to make themselves single.
3. Emotionally free
To me, it is also important that the individual is emotionally available – not longing for a previous failed relationship or grieving over the death of a romantic partner. Absolutely avoid falling into the role of “emotionally supportive caregiver”. You are looking for a romantic relationship, not the role of therapist.
4. Local
The individual should be on the spot. It can be very challenging to date someone who is distant. I know internet dating can bring together persons far and abroad, and happiness can transpire. But ask yourself this, “If they are so wonderful, why are they choosing to look at distant romantic possibilities?”
Early romance has enough awkward communication patches without adding in the hurdle of long-distance.
5. Independent
The individual must be self-supporting. This means not living off their parents, their great aunt, their ex, or a trust fund.
6. A spiritual person
I would want the person to be on a spiritual path. Don’t let this throw you. It doesn’t mean a structured religious person, but someone who is humble, and honest enough to acknowledge that there is something greater in the cosmos than themselves. The key word here is humble. Someone who hugs a tree, or looks beyond themselves, is an excellent example.
Then
Read my rules of engagement one through six, and apply them to yourself; I believe it is only fair that you uphold the same standards.
The review
Now, prioritise each of the two lists you wrote out at the beginning of this article. This allows you to see the most important traits you desire in someone, and what you are offering. Know your goals, know yourself.
And so, the early stage of courtship begins. Remember that ultimately, you can only be who you are, and they in turn, will be who they are. If you find romantic love, research suggests such a pairing with commitment delivers optimal conditions for rearing children.
For those of you that have given up on dating or are discouraged, don’t be – unless you prefer to remain footloose and fancy free. Make your own happiness. There is nothing more attractive to others than someone who is independent and content with their life.
Allow the cosmos to surprise you. Romance and love may come when you least expect it.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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