“You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. In the name of God, go.”
The words will be familiar. They were first used by Oliver Cromwell in expelling the ‘long parliament’ in 1653 and have been used occasionally since. (The last time, they were spoken to Boris Johnson).
But they were never more appropriate than now. Sunak’s zombie government has given up all pretensions of actually doing anything at all, except perhaps for its MPs to make a last few quid from public funds while the going is good or give themselves the means to effect an escape from the repercussions.
It would still make sense for Mr Sunak to go to the country earlier rather than later, when he can claim he has chosen the date rather than having it thrust upon him; and before some of his lunatic MPs try to replace him with Boris Johnson again. (Though since Mr Johnson is no longer even an MP, one can only assume they have in mind a putsch: one would put nothing past them.)
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As if Rishi Sunak didn’t have enough problems, a crucial new poll reveals that the public think very little of his potential DIY skills either. Only 13% would trust him to put up a shelf, whereas a resounding 49% believe you could rely on a shelf put up by Keir Starmer. Only 16% would trust their Sunday roast to the prime minister, 26% would trust him with the map on a car journey, and a mere 22% believe he could hold his own in a pub conversation.
It has to be said, a quick vox pop around the saloon bar of the Muckrakers did not hold out any suggestion of there being a polling error in that figure.
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There is a story doing the rounds, concerning William Wragg, the MP for Hazel Grove in Manchester. Not one of ours then, but whatever it is he has done has become a national story, even if it is not yet clear quite what that story is.
Dear reader, we do not need to go into the ins and outs of it, you will have gathered those already. The puzzle arises from whoever could have set up this scam, and for what purpose. An MP is apparently blackmailed, the price being to pass on the personal details of other MPs and their staff so, it is alleged, they can be blackmailed too.
But what for? Is this some kind of ponzi scheme for that particular sexual peccadillo? My dears, does this make sense to you? But if on the other hand it involves the sinister hand of some foreign agency, is this really how it works these days? Imagine what George Smiley would make of it, removing his glasses and polishing them on the end of his tie while wearing, as his creator put it, “that air of being slightly late for something he would rather not be doing”.
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Anyway, if we are to believe Nadine Dorries, and the fervent hope of this diarist is that you won’t, then this is Mr Wragg getting his just desserts for shopping Boris Johnson, and now the Johnson Gang are out for revenge. According to Nads, a disgraced MP was put up to pinching several blokes’ bums in order that Johnson could hear about it, ignore it and then lie about it, thus getting chucked out.
The tale thus far is far too grubby to follow in detail and strays dangerously into the territory of m’learned friends, so we will leave it here. But this isn’t a story that makes much sense at the moment, like many of Mr Johnson’s escapades.
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The prime minister is paid £164,951. Last year, 3,106 council officers received over £100,000, 829 are paid over £150,000, and 175 are paid over £200,000.
To choose one council at random, Bedford has just increased its council tax by 2.9%, plus 2% increase in social care precept. They pay their chief executive £171,275, plus £32,714 pension. A spokesman says: “The skills and experience needed for all our corporate leadership are reflected in their pay.”
Readers may recall that, at the time of the City’s ‘big bang’, there was so much moolah splashing about that the spotty youth who made the tea would find a couple of noughts added to his salary, because there were only a limited people at that moment who knew where to find the sugar. It’s just a matter of how many in the pool from whom to choose. Is Bedford Council really telling its taxpayers that this chief executive is one of very few people in the country who could do the job, hence the ludicrous salary? Or is it just down to knowing where they keep the sugar?
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Thérèse Coffey (Suffolk Coastal) is a perpetual mystery. Last week she pretended to give a monkeys about her constituents by arranging a ‘pensioners fair’, the first such event since her election in 2010, as she admits. She got in a bit of hot water about it, for advertising what was clearly a party-political event on various innocent village websites. One local councillor tells your diarist: “My in-tray of complaints says party planning for targeted voters with the public purse really hasn’t gone down too well!”
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Then this week, we find the name Thérèse Coffey at the top of a list of signatories to a letter imploring the environment secretary, the apparently omnipresent Steve Barclay (NE Cambs), to transfer the responsibility for designating sites of special scientific interest (SSSIs) from Natural England to (checks notes) the environment secretary.
The signatories note that, in designating SSSIs, the secretary could then consider “the economic and cultural impact of notification”; which is to say, that SSSIs are terribly inconvenient to landowners keen to rip everything out of the countryside they can. Just in case we hadn’t got the message, the letter goes on to remind the secretary of “tensions” between Natural England and farmers.
One wonders where those pensioners sitting down for a cuppa at Dr Coffey’s fair would invest their sympathies: with nature, or the rapacious landowners?
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Meanwhile, Steve Barclay also has another appeal on his plate, not that dissimilar. In this case, Norfolk’s Tory MPs have ganged up to fight the decision of Natural England (again) to refuse permission for the Norwich western link road, on account of there being a colony or rare bats in the way. Their bet is clearly that voters will put the convenience of a new road over the safety of a bat colony and despoilation of the countryside.
They may be right, though Norfolk people have always had mixed views about all this unnecessary travelling about lark. There is a saying in the county: “Norfolk is cut off on two sides by the sea, and on the other two sides by the railway”.
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At the moment, Steve Barclay bestrides our politics like a colossus. One wonders quite what aspect of his career has persuaded colleagues that he is the man for the job, whatever it happens to be. He has always seemed singularly lacking in intellectual curiosity, and on the peter principle he has risen to a level at which he becomes incompetent, though that seems to have been several jobs ago. He had to wait six years for his first government position, and then it was only as a junior whip, so he didn’t have to touch anything.
He has now had five cabinet positions in the past two years. Was this because of his notable success in each? Given the pig’s rectum he is presently making of a problem in his own patch, the answer may not necessarily be in the affirmative.
We have recorded in recent weeks the chaos surrounding permission or otherwise for an incinerator to be built at Wisbech, and how the decision was delayed, made, published, withdrawn, published again, apologised for in the Commons, and then Mr Barclay had a brilliant idea. He has had a junior minister refuse permission for building new incinerators anywhere in the country, though it is not clear how many others were ever proposed.
His lawyers have already wagged their finger at Mr Barclay’s previous ham-fisted attempts to stop it. One can only wonder what they will have to say about this.
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With apologies, we have yet another story about Steve Barclay. He has turned TV interviewer, on the Facebook page of Whittlesey Town Council. He is talking to a Conservative candidate in the forthcoming local elections. Just the Conservative. That pillar of journalistic rectitude John Elworthy of CambsNews is aghast: “Strewth the bloody arrogance of it,” he declares. “Doesn’t anyone understand electoral law any more?”
This in turn drew a furious response from a Whittlesey Conservative, which included a veiled allegation about Mr Elworthy, who is now threatening legal action. So at this point we shall draw a veil over proceedings, and retire discreetly out of range of the solids hitting the fan.
But from this, dear reader, you need only observe that, once again, we have Tories shamelessly mis-using our electoral process and accused of breaking electoral law.
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This week we bring you another fun-packed entry on Duncan Baker (N Norfolk), number 137 in our popular series of Mr Baker Pretends to Do Stuff.
Recently, we have found our scamp photo-bombing all kinds of local events: a Boxing Day dip, joining a choir, visiting a hospital, running, opening a garden and turning up with scissors. (We must hope he didn’t run with them.) He has also been “fighting for a Cromer bank hub”. (‘Fighting for’ is a phrase MPs use when they want credit for something they can’t possibly influence.) Finally, he tells us he has been ‘campaigning for better water quality’ – and we know how that one ends.
Incidentally, ‘water quality’ is the go-to phrase insisted on by Thérèse Coffey, when environment secretary, to use instead of ‘pollution risk’, as recommended by Anglian Water themselves and as revealed exclusively by EAB: Exclusive! Thérèse Coffey in collusion claim over poor Deben water quality (eastangliabylines.co.uk)
This week, Mr Duncan explains about the threat to Benjamin Court: he has fought tirelessly, rallied, led a meeting (which means he didn’t organise it but blagged his way in), spoke and had successful conversations. (For an explanation of what this all means, please see ‘fighting for’ above. Zilch.)
He is keen that punters should get in touch, offering an encouragement in large letters – then in very small letters explains it’s about ‘democratic engagement’, which means if you respond to the leaflet you will be bombarded by Tory propaganda at the election.
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The Daily Express this week goes to its resident clown Tom Hunt (Ipswich) to describe the European Court of Human Rights as a “foreign court”, whereas it was actually set up by Winston Churchill. It will have been pointed out to him endlessly, and the Express knows it just as well.
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We apparently have to vote for the police and crime commissioners next month, with absolutely no knowledge of any of them. In fact as East Anglia Bylines reported, Central Bedfordshire Council recently voted in favour of scrapping them altogether. One wonders how that fits with criticism of their present PCC, Festus Akinbusoye, who has been so unwise as to appear in his election literature actually wearing his honorary police uniform. This appears to be a breach of election rules. While one might expect this kind of arrogance as a matter of course from most Conservatives these days, surely one might hope for something a little better from one whose very job is to uphold the law?
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Finally, this week, the political parties have been submitting candidates’ names for the local elections next month. Or at least, some of them have. Cue the Conservatives in Castle Point in Essex. It seems 13 of their candidates will not appear on the ballot papers, because of administrative errors in their submission. There are 39 seats to be contested, and the Tories intended to contest 35 of them. Now it will only be 22.
A Conservative Party spokesperson put it down to “human error”.
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With thanks to Karl Whiteman and Gemma Gould.
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