With the impending decision on the go-ahead for Sizewell C nuclear power station now delayed until 8 July I was intrigued to receive this leak from my Whitehall mole…
Draft press release
Sizewell-Minsmere Radio-Activity Theme Park (Departments of Energy and Culture, Media and Sport with EDF and VIP fast track investors)
The government has announced a world-beating plan for public participation in the new programme of nuclear power stations. Starting with the Sizewell facility in Suffolk, this power-sharing agreement will transform the projects into unique Power/Leisure complexes, combining nuclear infrastructure with state-of-the-art entertainment for the Nuclear Family. This will spearhead the government’s levelling up and Brexit Benefits programmes, the fall-out bringing jobs and tourism to otherwise desolate areas of the UK.
Sizewell compulsory purchase of RSPB Minsmere
Solving the problems of ‘revenue-deficit’ and Woke opposition to Sizewell C at a stroke, HM government is announcing the compulsory purchase of Minsmere Nature Reserve as key to enabling the first Radio-Activity Theme Park – the Erosion Coast’s Hottest Attraction! Twinned with Chernobyl, the Park will expose the whole family to the nuclear experience whilst showcasing any remaining bird life.
Early attractions will include:
- Discounted plutonium card membership before safety checks are complete (half-life membership also available for 10,000 years).
- The Waste-Land water ride: watch our 3 Mile Island Melt Down every hour on the hour, and surf the Fukushima Tsunami in our wave machine pool.
- The Dome of Doom Zip-wire from Sizewell B to oblivion.
- The Sizewell A Ghost Train.
And for our Minsmere snowflakes: look out for the Geiger Ducks, frolic with luminous Pink Flamingos in the thermal cooling pond, and watch the fast-breeder colonies from our ‘Nowhere to Hides’. With luck you might spot a Reactor-Cormorant or two.
For those energetic kids there is the Hot-Rods ‘Race-to-the-Bottom’ fast-track commissioning circuit!
Time for reflection? Visit the Reactor Hall of Mirrors and watch yourself being taken for a ride. Lastly, the ultimate thrill: Ride the Isotope – it’s really unstable, folks! And after all that excitement if you’re feeling spent, reprocess your fuel rods in the End of the Universe Bar, or visit the Cross-Bill Bistro: marvel at the £90.00 for a Mega-Watt compared with £45.00 for the same thing at the Wind Turbine Café next door – you may have a meltdown, but you’re guaranteed to leave with a glow!!