Over the Christmas period, we’re republishing some of our lighter reading while the East Anglia Bylines editorial team take a much-deserved break. This article was first published in February 2022.
Ladies, Gentlemen, Honorables and Plebs:
Today I stand before you, I stand before you; I Horace Jackson, humbled by my Great Achievements. I stand before you to ask for your support; for your support in the furthering of my Great Achievements.
At the upcoming election, I ask you to put your country first, your nation first, and to re-elect this Great Government of Great Achievement headed by me, Horace Jackson, the Great Achiever.
I implore you not to be hoodwinked into voting for the outdated values of Truth, Decency and Tolerance. Where, I ask you, did Truth, Decency and Tolerance lead us in the past? Where did they lead us? They led us into collaboration with other countries; they led us into chains which bound us to other countries.
Are we a nation destined to be bound in chains to other countries? Bound in chains to foreign peoples on foreign soil? No! No, my friends, you know we are not. We are The Nation of Great Achievers. And we have become this proud nation under the governance of myself, Horace Jackson, and my Great Government of Great Achievement.
Let us look – let us look, my friends, at our Great Achievements.
First; first and foremost of our Great Achievements is Wrexit. We Got Wrexit Done. The Wrexit that you voted for; the Wrexit that you chose; the Wrexit that has made us the great island nation that we are. We did not want to share our great island with the foreign peoples from foreign soil. No, we didn’t. And quite right.
By Getting Wrexit Done, we, the Great Government of Great Achievement, have Taken Back Control of our island. Wrexit has, with huge success, driven the invasion of foreign peoples back to their foreign soil. Our Great Island is once again free from the invasion of foreigners. It is once again restored to its rightful status: Our Great Island.
Our second Great Achievement has been managing The Pandemic. In that our success has been so great that we are rebuilding faster than any other nation. Rebuilding faster than any other nation.
There is no greater achievement anywhere on the planet. So, let us ask ourselves how we did that.
With immense skill we let the pandemic rip. We let it rip through our care homes, through our hospitals and through all the overcrowded ghettos that harboured foreign peoples. Wrexit drove out many of those foreign people and the pandemic finished off many of those who remained.
Yes, we may have had a slight financial burden and we may have been a bit short of hospital beds. But those were temporary, transitory inconveniences from which Great Good will come. That Great Good we are already seeing. We are seeing more Great Good with every passing day.
The dead will never need hospital beds or burden our Health Services; the dead need no care, and – of vital importance – the dead have no need for pensions or housing or benefits.
The death of 150,000 people must be seen for what it is: a truly Great Achievement. We will not need new hospitals, more medics or more housing because we do not have to support these people. You do not have to support these people. We, the Government of Great Achievement, will never have to raise your taxes to pay for all those dependent people because they are now dead.
Of course, there is a downside to everything. We have always been very clear about that. You might have been a bit sad about your dead Granny. And we share your sorrow. We are deeply sorry for you. Poor dead Granny.
But you won’t be sad for long. Believe me. You won’t be sad because we have Got Wrexit Done.
And Getting Wrexit Done means that you can go anywhere you want on this Great Island, you can live and work anywhere you want on this Great Island. All 900 miles of it! You can have as many holidays as you want on this Great Island. You can eat Great Island potatoes and swedes and carrots. You can drink Great Island beer and Great Island cider. And none of it served to you by foreign peoples from foreign soils.
In fact, in Getting Wrexit Done, I, Horace Jackson and my Great Government of Great Achievement have made sure that you never have to encounter a foreign person from foreign soil ever again. This, your greatest ask of us, we have delivered for you. We have given you what you wanted.
And, if you vote to re-elect us in the upcoming election, we will deliver more Great Achievements. We will never let you be disturbed by angry truth-seekers marching noisily through your streets. We will never waste the time of your MP having to sit in Parliament. We will dispense with the role of MPs in Parliament so that your MP can devote all of his time to answering your emails about pot holes. Just think of it: you will be able to drive down your street and Never Again have to drive over a pot hole.
That is what having a Government of Great Achievement means: Never Again having to be pestered by pot holes.
I, Horace Jackson, will free your MP from the burden of Parliament. I, Horace Jackson and my Government of Great Achievement will do all the governing that this Great Island needs and deserves. We will do it alone, unencumbered by a Parliament that wastes the time of MPs whose local pot holes need them.
So, for Great Achievement vote Horace Jackson.
You won’t regret it.
And you never know, but I think there’s a very good chance that you might be able to spend your next summer holiday on the Very First Unicorn Farm. My dear Great Achievement colleague, The Honourable Gorgeously Useless, has given me his personal assurance that our most expert scientists and farmers are well on their way to making this, our Great Island, the Great Island of Unicorns.
You asked and we delivered. We Got Wrexit Done and we Took Back Control of our Great Island from an invasion of foreigners. We Took Back Control and we Got Wrexit Done. No other government could or would have done that for you.
We, the only ever government of Great Achievers, are here for you, you the Great Island people.
Next week VOTE HORACE JACKSON, Vote The Great Achievement Party, and together we can build the Great Island of Unicorns.
I commend myself, Horace Jackson, the Great Achiever humbled by Great Achievements, to you dear Ladies, Gentlemen, Honorables and Plebs.